WHO’S FOOL?

*** The Adventures of Tortie, the Trouble Monger***
Once upon a time, the Tortoise severally sought for the hand of Mr. Lizard’s daughter in marriage, before he was accepted. However, no sooner had he taken Miss Lizzy to the altar than troubles began all over. Every time, and then, it was either “In-law, hurry, come, Lizard has fallen from his climb and broken his jaw!” or “In-law Tortie, help, hurry, hurry. Lizard has broken his trunk and waist.” So Tortoise got bored of these and could not put on with it any longer. Thus he went to the Praying Mantis, the priest and asked for the dissolution of the marriage so as to let peace reign in his dear life; but the priest would not, “What God has joined together, no man should put asunder, not even me,” he would say with a tone of finality.
However, Tortoise had no seconds to spare this time around. Not even to hear any sermon. So, he made his way up to the sky to go and sort things out personally with God. Moreover, on his way, he came by a hut that belonged to Mother kite. She was not at home, for she had gone to the market to buy some blankets for her three newly laid eggs. And it was in the middle of the chilly skyward winter. Meanwhile, Tortoise had peeped right through the hut and saw no one was in. Hence he tip-toed noiselessly into the hut leaving traces of his footprints behind him, and thereafter he made away with the eggs. And once again, the rather pleased Tortoise continued his journey heaven bound! And as he was about to enter into heaven’s gate, a thought swiftly struck his mind, “God’s watch dogs may greedily snatch you off these eggs,” and he halted abruptly. Without wasting time, he turned back and decided to call later on after enjoying ‘his’ eggs.
Back home, Tortoise laid peacefully outstretched on a locally made bamboo bed by a fire side. He had just finished roasting the eggs and was about eating them, when the mad-driven Ma Kite threw herself down before Tortoise. Swaam! Tortoise rose in all his might to flee, but only succeeded in escaping into the kite’s sharp, angry-looking claws. And he was there from scooped skywards amidst the clenched claws. He pleaded and pleaded for mercy and for a chance to explain things; but the kite would strongly not let go of him. Neither was she least in any mood to hear one of his cock and bull stories. So Tortoise thought hard and harder for any plausible plans that would merit him a much needed escape, but none readily came. Meanwhile, his plight and flight had spread far and wide and people came out en masse rejoicing they had been ridden off the trouble monger. On the contrary however, this scene offered all, and the crafty Tortoise captured it at once! Boisterously, he laughed aloud and proclaimed, “O-oo yes my people. Haa-ha-ha-haaa! That’s the spirit my people. O yeah and slow and swift and steady for your king is touring on wings to see his people, my people. Wave on your hands and dance hard for the king’s servant bears him on wings to his people,” and sighting his distressed wife, for she was seemingly the only one that wasn’t ‘happy’ he said, “Who’s that maid so deep in distress… be thee glad for the king shall bless you after this with a kiss.” At first the kite ignored all these contempt and decided to have Tortoise for luncheon; but the final straw that broke the ‘kite’s trunk’ was when Tortie proudly said, “O-oo yeah my wings oh my people, that the wings may bear thy king this day and forever to bear him forever!” This rudely struck a melancholic cord on Ma Kite’s nerves. And so much enraged, she swung the Tortoise trunk-wise with all her ill-spiced up might. Swoosh! Tortoise went down with splashes of wind unto a raw looking edged out rock. And in his total cracked down, he wailed, sighed croaked and yelped. Yet, no one came along. So, he began to let loose curses on everything that has breath: his in-laws first, his wife, all his ‘people’, the Kite and her eggs, God’s dogs and himself too.
Moreover, it wasn’t long enough when the snail slugged along in search of what she would use to gather her harvest of early morning palm fruits home. Meanwhile, the snail had not been with a shell, instead she was just like a slug. Lo, catching sight of her coming, the Tortoise alarmingly rose up his voice and pleaded so pityingly, “Mea culpa mere m ebere, mea maxima culpa. Please forget about that and forgive and heal me O-oo,” that the snail got her heart melted with compassion. The bone of contention was that it happened one day that Elephant, the king of the animal’s kingdom called to his court all the animals because it was time for his beautiful daughter to be given to a man in marriage! So the animals were to run seven times round the village square, and whoever comes first, would be the king’s in-law. Most surprisingly however, among the contestants were Tortoise and the Snail. So when the race began, every other animal took off with comparatively high speed; but according to the capacity of each one’s legs. Contrarily, the Tortoise and the Snail crawled casually as if nothing was going on. Not that they could have done more than this, for though they were in such a sluggish motion, they were actually seriously sweating all over. Secondly, they were afraid of being trampled upon. Moreover, along the race, evil entered Tortoise’s mind, and he thought, “It’s absolutely disdainful to be robbing shoulders with this silly sluggish Snail,” so he bullied her and made her strength to fail her. Oh poor Snail! And so she became seventh time the overall loser.
Nevertheless, the compassionate and kindhearted Snail despite this age long mistreatment offered to help the helpless Tortoise out. “Oh poor lil’ saily Snaily, blessed thy soul!” chirruped a pretty little bird from the tree top. The Snail got on her knees and began to gather the mosaic ‘Tor’ and ‘Toise’ creatively into Tortoise. She then glued the junctures with her gummy spittle. The Tortoise was extremely pleased with his being ‘wholesome’ once again, and so he leapt in joy and warmly embraced the Snail. Most ridiculously however, the joy in Tortoise abruptly came to an end with Snail’s request for the remnants of the shell. She would want to make out a head pan from the remains as to bear her harvest home with it, but most importantly, to clothe her nudity with some of it. Why not, for even if she didn’t Tortoise was not to do any thing with them. He was even almost on his way home before the too courteous Snail made her request. Accordingly, the Tortoise being synonymous with stinginess and greediness was almost driven to madness, thus he retorted, “Look….” he stammered and continued, “The lion’s liver is a vain yearn to the dogs” he blurted arrogantly. “And secondly, my great grand fathers told me yesterday that they would need them for sacrifice on the thirty third day of the thirteenth month.” he finally smirked. “Oh what an ungrateful a creature thou forever art Tortie?” sang the little pretty bird once again in a sing song manner.
However, on her own part, the Snail felt badly hurt. She indeed hadn’t a least word for Tortie, so she got set to sail away. With a start, the Tortie began to gather the pieces of the left over shell; but as fate would have it, he stormed and stumbled over a stump of a tree! Lo and behold the recuperating Tortie broke off into ‘Tor’ and ‘Toise’ once again. “Huu-huoo ho, what a good riddance!” chirped the pork nosing little bird. Moreover, the Tortoise least expected this, and he was left with mouth agog and bereft of breath. He clasped his eyes tightly shut and heaved on successive series of mournful sighs. Meanwhile the Snail who had turned away so soulfully in sorrow heard the thud but wouldn’t help looking back. “Yes!” she said silently to herself and was about to turn back triumphantly, when in a splash there came a flash of one of those favourite songs of hers, “We Are The World” It was quite true that its wordings had been with time erased from her memory, but at this her mind kept on pondering on just two stanzas, “There comes a time when we heed a certain call…And it’s time to lend a hand to life.” And as if transfixed, he remembered that the priest admonished the congregation on the need for forgiveness the last time they met in the church. So she came closer a bit hesitantly and touched the Tortoise. He opened his eyes and quite unbelievably, it was ‘doctor’ Saily Snaily. He stood aghast! “Look dear friend, just give me the little I need now, and I will give you the much you are so much in need of right away.” Were everything being equal, Tortie would not have consented. And so reluctantly, he handed three minutest pieces of the useless shell to the Snail. Discreetly, she first twined a piece and slumped into it. She then fixed the rest into a head pan and went further away from where they stood and kept it safe. And on coming back, she caught the Tortoise off guard striking mournfully on his chest, “Oh my thing, my own thing, my shell, thief! Saily Snaily saily….” but on seeing her approach, he craftily changed his train of mutterings and started jabbering, “Oh lovie sweetie Saily Snaily, prettie tongue that sails on a golden sea, Oo-ooh sail ashore with your golden tidings and shadow ‘em that on bronze and silver appareled on.” Although the Snail knew these were but sheer pretence, she a kind of enjoined them as long as it lasted. Then she set out to work on Tortie in the dictate of the sham praises. In the long run, he was done with rather a rough tinkered shell! “No thanks whatsoever to you smelly Snaily,” Tortoise thought to himself.
Having successfully completed her charitable work, the Snail once again found her way back to her farm. However, no sooner had she gone, than the Tortoise’s insolence broke off again, “Hei, look here you thief! My thing is my thing, and mine is mine. You impostor that salivate along like toddlers; look in that shell you are a square peg in a trapezium hole!” he coughed and held up his wobbling shell least the worst should happen. He then steered clear to a leveler ground and continued, “See, I never knew, not even in my wildest dream could I come to believe you are a dog. I mean a dog in the manger. In fact let me say it now; let my enemy not save me even from hell fire if a friend is not around.” Disappointedly, the Tortoise thought why the Snail would opt not to fight him even amidst these insults so that he might break and retrieve his shell. So he began again in a most contemptuous song, “Oh Snaily sa-li-va-tor, Sss-ss-snaily sa-li-va-tor….” but the good hearted Snail had turned her back long ago to the volleys of Tortoise’s silly words, and was at last on her way home with her fruits at the Snail’s pace.


Johnbosco Ken Amakeze
jokaamakking@yahoo.com
www.springsong.gq.nu